Derisory Heteroclite (kellydor) wrote,
Derisory Heteroclite

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Tao Now, Brown Cow?

Is there anyone else out there, who feels this way daily? I know it's more pronounced, now that I'm stuck being tested every two days, but today was my final. I passed with an 85%, but I was one of the last ones left taking the test. I had to read things over about five times, before answering. This is why I would be horrible in "further education". I'm just not good at being judged. I'm far too insecure and vulnerable.

I'm not the type to sit here and cry "why me", but life forces me in that direction. It's not without defined and forced effort, before I come to the conclusion that I'm an incessant failure. It's not that I don't try. It's just that I never succeed?

I've been through a rough time trying to get into my new job. we've a 6 week training course and I'm petrified of test-taking (I work for Dell as a Level 2 Tech Support Rep, for those curious). I can get good scores on IQ tests, but stick me in a room full of peers and tell me that my job relies upon my test-score and watch me barely comprehend where it is that I'm supposed to go pee-pee and when I should hold it for a more appropriate time. i'm quick with a joke and i'll light up your smoke, but there's somewhere that i'd rather be.

I was in Show Choir, Schoolastic Bowl, Yearbook, Basketball, Literary Magazine, Speech Club, etc etc etc and I'll never outgrow being insecure. Most of my dreams revolve around me being in High School and trying to move back down to Florida. Coincidence? Fact of the matter is I don't give two shits about myself, but I keep me around for the fiance and family. I don't need to give them more reasons to be angry with me.

I wanted to put "shit" "piss" and "hatred" in here, but I tried to be a little less "angry"(though at this point, I'm not sure it's working). So here's the fine product of unedited, classic mind-workings of yours truly. It sounds very teen angst, but let's be frank. I can be one of your wisest confidants, but I will never outgrow my self-hatred. I feel better after having written this, so I'm leaving it unedited. This is how I felt, during my last test. It is pretty damned precise. Everything in life is a test that is graded by the present why do I always fail?

Thought for the day:
I want to see a shrink. Wait, no I don't. Cuz they will tell me to get over my fears by doing all this stuff in public that I've been trying to do since I was in High School, so it's pretty damned moot. Why frustrate myself further?

Philosophers say "live in the now" -- but what happens when you cant "get out of the now"???

Tao Now, Brown Cow?

crash boom hear me now.
convalesce and then resound.
slash, bang all a drain.
clenching, gritting, gnawing strain.
burst pitch writhe and squeeze.
falling on ignoble knees.
maleficient, insufficient
consumptive, utterly deficient
knot claw decompress.
Classify myself depressed.
I'll be great and curious
whilst every step is spurious
smile to peers and kiss the ground
hide expressions thought unsound
never to facilitate
what leaves me perilous in straits
Punch my chest and scream of tao.
How do you see me now, brown cow?

-K. Dorsett 6/3/07

It's not that I see Taoism a failure, it's that I see myself as a failure, as a Taoist. Yet sadly, this is the closest I have to faith. Responses aren't needed or requested. Just having my say here after wanting to post for a while, is enough. I love you all.
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